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5 things not currently being sold via email (that should be)

It seems like everyone wants to get in on the email marketing renaissance these days.

Image credit: Paramount Pictures

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As well they should.

Email marketing continues to defy its critics by consistently posting robust ROI numbers most other marketing channels can only dream of.

And a lot of brands are really cashing in.

Recently it has begun to feel like everything under the sun is being flogged via email. Like every brand, every product, every item, and every commodity one could hope to buy is sitting in someone’s inbox right this very second, just waiting for an open.

But is that actually the truth?

Or, are there some things no-one has bothered to sell using the awesome power of email marketing yet?

Let’s take a look…

 

5 things not currently being sold via email (that should be)

 

1) Human Souls

The market for human souls may be limited, but we’ve definitely heard of at least one buyer out there who is more than happy to pay a premium for them. If some enterprising young entrepreneur decided to establish a startup dedicated to the purchase and sale of human souls via email, we’d invest!

 

2) Celebrity rubbish

Imagine checking your inbox and learning that you had the opportunity to purchase the empty box which once contained raisins only recently eaten by none other than Vin Diesel himself! Or, a discarded comb still imbued with the enchanting smell of Elizabeth Hurley’s hair (and rotting lettuce)! Who knows what wonders the rubbish bins of the silver screen’s biggest stars could contain. While price points could prove to be a bone of contention, one thing is certain: knowing that the contents of your favourite celebrity’s rubbish could be yours forever, would certainly make opening your inbox just a tad more exciting.   

 

3) Thoughts and prayers

 

Everyone knows that thoughts and prayers are the most helpful thing any human being can offer another. It is now widely accepted that they are the answer to all of society’s ills. The question is: why are people giving them away for free on social media, when they could be selling them in a finely-crafted email marketing campaign?

 

4) Raw clams

What a waste of your precious time and effort sourcing your own shellfish will seem once you begin receiving your daily email raw clam offering! Where were they caught? How long have they been out of the ocean? Were they stored properly? These questions will become completely irrelevant once the first rusty bucket of clams arrives at your doorstep. Shut up and eat!  

 

5) More emails!

Everybody likes getting emails, right? Modern brands have gotten really good at convincing people that subscribing to their mailing list is a worthwhile endeavour. The logical next step is to get them to pay for them. If one were offered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to join an exclusive mailing list at the reduced rate of only £300.00 per month, one would assume that the emails on offer must be REALLY worth reading, wouldn’t they? Hey, it’s worth a try!

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